THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure in which He is infused with His son’s blood. “I had my doubts at first, but as soon as He started receiving those blood of Christ transfusions, it was like He had a whole new lease on eternal life,” said Regis Anderson, a longtime resident of heaven who observed that God’s soft tissues, which had begun to sag with age, appeared rejuvenated and tighter now that He had committed to a regimen that makes use of the Most Precious Blood of His only begotten son. “Sure, the whole thing seems pretty woo-woo, but you can’t argue with those results. His eyes are brighter, His confidence has skyrocketed—I wouldn’t be surprised if He finally starts creating again.” Reached for comment, heaven’s medical officials stated that God had been warned of the severe health risk He faces if His son’s blood transubstantiates back into wine after entering His bloodstream.
